Steps to Acceptance
When people speak of phases or steps in the healing process when dealing with a significant change or loss, I have seen there be anywhere from five to seven stages. The most common ones are as follows: denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, acceptance.
While each of the phases may vary in length from one person to another, it is important not to purposely try to skip a phase, or dismiss how you are feeling. A good rule of thumb is; unpack the feelings, observe and or understand them but do not unpack to stay. There also may be a need for forgiveness (of yourself and or others).
If your situation makes it seem impossible for you to move through the process stages because you are seemingly stuck, you should consider speaking to a therapist. That is something I personally have never done, but I now realize that would have shaved off years of suffering and being triggered back to behavior that was not favorable. It became second nature to look for reasons not to trust others because I was so deeply hurt. My internal messaging was very degrading. I loathed my body image, and last but certainly not least, I compared myself to others and harbored resentment that was not warranted. None of this leads to healing, forgiveness, letting go or moving on.
The book; Guided Paths, will drill some of this down, but for now I will share some best practices that have worked for me. Please note: I use a more recent situation (a job loss) in the examples below. The book has stories surrounding other events (unnamed) that occurred more than thirty years ago. They were more personally impactful, but since job loss may be common among some of my colleagues, I decided to use that situation here. The techniques and suggestions for making adjustments to change or loss, even though the initial impact may vary in intensity, are applicable . And so the process begins…
Sudden Impact and what people say because they “think” it will help.
Even when anticipated, the initial impact hits you right in the center of your abdomen. In my experience, you almost wish it would hurt but instead it is like a blunt force undercurrent deep within you, and then you need to either tell someone or people immediately rush to your side (or both).
I think the people who do the best job at immediate communication with the person impacted, are the ones who simply say that they are sorry, sad, or that they actually have no words. If you are fortunate that is what happens. I am thankful for the people who knew me well enough to let me feel my feelings without judgment (you know who you are).
You may encounter “People” who try to change your sadness, or feelings. In this case they will say there is no reason to be feeling the way you are. For example: Don’t be angry (or sad) because you lost your job, its not personal; it was business. You are amazing. Sounds reasonable, right? That may not work for you or others and it definitely did not work for me.
Here is why
First of all, in my experience personally and in the customer service business, you should NEVER tell a mad person to calm down, don’t be mad, sad or whatever emotion they are feeling. It often only further escalates the emotion.
In terms of saying it is not personal, it will almost always feel as if it is personal to the person. It is a business to the business. This is a fact. It is not worth trying to spin it a different way. Each party has their reasoning and feelings. They are not interchangeable.
Additionally, the person may very well know they are amazing, but at this moment, they may not be feeling that way. It is too early for you to start selling positive attributes to anyone. Give them some time.
Alternatives that validate when trying to be supportive
Even a small amount of empathy and acknowledgement would go a long way in this case. It is better to validate a feeling or emotion, rather than escalate or dismiss it, regardless if you agree with the person or situation.
Instead of saying it wasn’t personal, I would suggest saying, “I know that although it was a business decision, it can also feel personal because it significantly impacts your life. Give yourself a little time to digest what has happened.”
Treat the initial impact like an injury
You can compare this to a superficial injury. (i.e. someone has a cut or scrape that is bleeding). You know its not serious but it needs to taken care of (clean it and perhaps apply a bandage). Once it is no longer bleeding, the healing process can take over. Feelings can be way more delicate, but the process for reacting to a sudden impact are similar. Don’t try to escape or encourage denial of the impact. Give them a hug, or get one if its you being impacted. Say or hear a few encouraging words, and let it run its course. There will be plenty of time unpack and observe the situation. Let the initial shock settle a bit. There may be a few little emotional explosions, but that will allow for some relief.
The best advice is; feel (or allow them to feel) the impact but don’t stay there.
If the person who is dealing with change is You
This is a process that requires time. Everyone seems to have an answer, something to say, or even worse they say nothing and don’t even acknowledge what has happened. They all mean well. As much as you sincerely appreciate the support, there is some work that you will need to do on your own. It can also be a lonely time. It is important to gather your comfort items, and be able to call or text a friend when needed. The entire process takes commitment, resilience and time. There can never be enough forgiveness to go around. Be open to it. It will put you back into the drivers seat.
A Real Life Example: Dealing with anger – Build a fire, but don’t burn a bridge!
Anger is often a mountain for me. It also easily bounces back and forth because I tend to do my memories in a loop format. Meaning once the memory is triggered, they repeat like an infomercial loop. Sometimes when I try to ignore anger, sadness might creep back, and then I would be right back where I started. In fact for me, anger and sadness are like watching a ping pong match as the ball bounces from left to right and back again. I am either sad because I am angry or angry because I am sad. Luckily when I recognize this in myself, I can pause it, and then it is even a little amusing. Humor is helpful for me in the healing process. I do realize that not everyone can find comfort in laughing at themselves, but it can be helpful if you let it! I think that is why I watch MASH everyday. Each episode has very human situations that are often very tragic and yet somehow duty, friends or coworkers who are like family, and humor get you through the day.
I remembered seeing the staff in a episode of MASH creating a bon fire pile that started with just a few things and ended with a mountain or items. They then lit the fire and celebrated with a song as the fire burned. This seemed to create some relief and a way to vent. I thought perhaps I would give that a try.
I will continue by using loss of a job in this example. I think I was stuck in anger, or stuck in the middle of anger/sadness ping pong, and confused more so than anything. I live in an environment where campfire rings and or bon fires are common and relatively safe. So I recreated the MASH scene in my own style.
I gathered some work related items (mostly notebooks, and other items that were in my home workspace) and placed then in a bin waiting for the fire which in my case would be on the day of the full moon :). I also wrote down some thoughts on pieces of paper that I wanted to let go, which included the many reasons I was angry. I then created my fire ring and burned all of the items. I read what was written on each piece of paper and burned it. I repeated the serenity prayer, which really seems to level set my mind and then said to myself, “All is well. There is really nothing else to be angry about. I can only control my reaction to what happened since I cant change what happened, who knew, who didn’t know, etc.” This activity was helpful for me. If anger would try to bounce back in I would call it out.
It may not always be practical to build a fire and do what I did, but I think clearing your space with items that no longer serve you, and doing a bit of free writing to vent your feelings is practical. When you see an emotion coming back take a look at it. Try to understand what triggered it and say to your self, “this is anger, sadness, or whatever you are feeling” I cant change it, but I cant stay in this emotion because it is not healthy for me. I need to be present in this moment. All is well (apply the appropriate band-aide) and things will improve.
Control and Release. It worked for the members of MASH and it worked for me! Remember: build a fire, but don’t burn a bridge or yourself! Be safe.
Guided Paths 