When people speak of phases in the healing process when dealing with a significant change or loss, I have seen there be anywhere from five to seven stages. The most common ones are as follows: denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, acceptance.

While each of the phases may vary in length from one person to another, it is important not to purposely try to skip a phase, or dismiss how you are feeling. A good rule of thumb is; unpack the feelings, observe and or understand them but do not unpack to stay. There also may be a need for forgiveness (of yourself and or others).

If your situation makes it seem impossible for you to move through the process stages because you are seemingly stuck, you should consider speaking to a therapist. That is something I personally have never done, but I now realize that would have shaved off years of suffering and being triggered back to behavior that was not favorable. It became second nature to look for reasons not to trust others because I was so deeply hurt. My internal messaging was very degrading. I loathed my body image, and last but certainly not least, I compared myself to others and harbored resentment that was not warranted. None of this leads to healing, forgiveness, letting go or moving on.

Use the steps or phases in the process (no matter what order they come to you) to unpack what you are feeling, understand why, and move on. The book will drill some of this down, but for now I will share some best practices that have worked for me.

Real life example: Working through anger

Anger is often a mountain for me. It also easily came back because I tend to do my memories in a loop format. Meaning once they are triggered, they repeat like an infomercial. I had to recognize it by calling it out loud (i.e. This is anger, I have do not need to be angry anymore – it is already addressed, I have moved on). If I didn’t do this, sadness might creep back, and then I was right back where I started.

“People” would tell me there is no reason to be angry. For example: Don’t be angry because you lost your job, its not personal it was business. You are amazing. Sounds reasonable, right? Here is why that may not work for others and why it definitely did not work for me.

#1. In my experience personally and in the customer service business, you should NEVER tell a mad person to calm down, don’t be mad, or whatever emotion they are feeling. It often only further escalates the emotion. A small amount of empathy and acknowledgement would go a long way in this case. It is better to validate a feeling or emotion, regardless if you agree. Let them unpack it, if they want to or say, “Ok, yes I can see that you are angry, and that’s ok as long as you can see your way past it. I am here if you need to talk.” Sometimes people find that writing their thoughts down helps to vent or break it down into pieces – this is a great suggestion.

#2. It is personal to the person. It is a business to the business. This is a fact. There is no selling it a different way. Instead of saying it wasn’t personal, I would suggest saying, “I know that although it was a business decision, it can also feel personal because it impacts your life. Give yourself a little time to digest what has happened.”

#3. I know that I am amazing, but at this moment, I don’t feel that way. It is too early for you to start selling my positive attributes to me. Give me some time.

You can compare this to a superficial injury. (i.e. someone has a cut on their finger that is bleeding). You know its not serious but they will need to tend to it (clean it and perhaps apply a bandage). Once it is no longer bleeding, the healing process can take over. Peoples feelings can be way more delicate, but the process for reacting to a sudden impact are similar. Don’t try to encourage denial of the impact. They need to feel it. Give them a hug or say a few encouraging words.

Earlier pieces of the process:

I was in denial when “I knew” but was not told. For me that was about two weeks. While in denial, I had glimpses of hope. I did sometimes loose sleep and then I let it fear take over, which often goes along with denial. In this situation. once you know; you know. There is no denying it.

Then in stepped in sadness for a short run. I spent about two hours in sadness on and off for a few days. I soon realized that I was not really that sad about things other than I would miss my team, but I knew for sure that I was angry, and as I said earlier; anger is a mountain for me.

I remembered seeing the staff in a episode of MASH creating a bon fire pile that started with just a few things and ended with a mountain. They then lit the fire and celebrated with a song as the fire burned. This seemed to create some relief and a way to vent. I thought perhaps I would give that a try.

I gathered some work related items (mostly notebooks, and other items that were in my home workspace) and placed then in a bin waiting for the fire which in my case would be on the day of the full moon :). I also wrote down some thoughts on pieces of paper that I wanted to let go, which included the many reasons I was angry. I then created my fire ring and burned all of the items. I read what was written on each piece of paper and burned it. I repeated the serenity prayer, which really seems to level set my mind and then said to myself, “All is well. There is really nothing else to be angry about. I can only control my reaction to what happened since I cant change what happened, who knew, who didn’t know, etc.” This activity was helpful for me. If anger would try to step back in I would call it out.

It may not always be practical to build a fire and do what I did, but I think clearing your space with items that no longer serve you, and doing a bit of free writing to vent your feelings is practical. When you see an emotion coming back take a look at it. Try to understand what triggered it and say to your self, “this is anger, sadness, or whatever you are feeling” I cant change it, but I cant stay in this emotion because it is not healthy for me. I need to be present in this moment. All is well (apply the appropriate band-aide) and things will improve.

On the path to acceptance.

The rest of the process sort of came and went, as if in slow motion and then would suddenly accelerate. I think I used the bargaining phase to procrastinate. I am very skilled at that. I started to realize in my self -talk that I would say, “ok once I accomplish this, I will then move on to (whatever the next thing was).” I had to redirect myself and say, “there is no reason to put this off, I have the time, in fact I should do it now.” This is how I developed a new habit and continued my healing journey.

I realized that acceptance unfolded for me as I was making a list of accomplishments. I no longer trigger these emotions and if they do pop back, I call them out and say that this no longer serves me. If this sounds easy, it was not. But if you are determined to accomplish this, treat each situation you encounter as a lesson, and also if you are willing to forgive yourself and others, you will emerge into a better mind space.

What should you do if you get stuck or can’t pull yourself up and out?

Getting stuck temporarily is not necessarily a crisis, but you really shouldn’t let it continue. Talk to a friend or someone you trust and you should consider counseling with a therapist who has expertise in helping people understand and process their feelings.

Therapist vs Life Coach

I never knew the difference until I took the Life Coach course. I thought this might be a good place to explain the difference at a high level. The titles are NOT interchangeable. A therapist can help you sort though emotions, feelings, root causes and mindset. A life coach helps you sort out personal clutter (tasks, to do lists and personal goals), so you can achieve success that leads you on a path to achieving a larger goal or completing a project.